I am supposed to be writing my dissertation, but I am not really sure I can. It's funny, I started so many things not thinking I could actually finish them. Strangely, I did. Now I am staring at the front end of a dissertation wondering if I can really do it. Part of me says yes, part of me says no. I don't have multiple personality disorder, I just have multiple parts. Non-mutually-exclusive parts.
I keep saying I am going to do it, but I don't. I always find some excuse. But the truth is, I have no idea what to do or how to do it. How did I get so far when I am really so stupid? Or, am I just frozen in fear, and if I thawed a little I would get into it and actually make progress? My advisor probably hates me. She says she doesn't, but how could she not? I drive her absolutely crazy. I don't mean to, I just honestly don't think I can do it.
But, I want to. I really want to be able to do it, and that part of me says that if I want to do it then I can figure out a way. I often think about that quote by the South African politican whose name eludes me right now. He basically says that people fear success much more than they fear failure, and that it is this fear of success that keeps us in failure mode. That is my rendition of his point, anyway.